Grief Cycles
I think most of us have heard of the 5 Stages of Grief at some point, even just in passing - denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance, coined by the pioneer in death studies, Elisabeth Kübler-Ross. What many might not realize, is that Dr. Kübler-Ross applied these stages to the dying, but since her work in 1969, popular culture has somehow transferred these stages to the living. Now, many of us who have lost something or someone, might come across the 5 Stages of Grief and start to view our bereavement through that lens.
And it might go something like this:
01. “I don’t understand. This can’t be happening. Nothing makes sense right now.”
02. “okay, today I’m definitely angry. I need to cry, scream and shake my fist at the powers that be…”
03. “If I had only tried harder, this might not have happened. Maybe if I do this, I’ll feel better.”
04. “yeah, this is just too heavy. I’m numb, I’m not going to do anything today. This must be depression…”
05. “Everything still doesn’t feel quite right, but I’ll be ok. I think I’ll take a walk and visit a friend today. Wow, it feels like I’m on the up-and-up”
Here is the problem - these stages of grief imply an “end”.
You feel like you’re out of the woods and your painful grieving is at an end. So, when we hear that anniversary song, smell that scent and are reminded of what we lost, suddenly we are thrown into confusion by the ton of bricks that just hit us. We wonder why this is happening all over again and think how unfair it is. How can we survive this?
Here is the problem - these 5 stages of grief imply an “end”. When applied to the living and the grief experience of the living, we go through the stages and believe that at some point, we will come to that “end” and it won’t hurt anymore. Whereas if we were to recognize that these stages are meant for the dying and those nearing some sort of “end” as Elisabeth Kübler-Ross intended, then we might realize that the grief of the living is more complex.
There is a misconception floating around perpetuating the belief that the grief experience is linear.
Perhaps we need to hear this - that grief is cyclical. We need to know that what we are feeling is normal and just because everyone around us expects us to follow the linear path, does NOT mean that we have to accept it, put on a brave face and act like everything is ok. The truth is that humans CAN live with grief. It is part of the human experience. We have and will continue to survive and learn from loss, but that loss never really leaves us.
Imagine a spiral. At the center is the apex of the traumatic event, and at the bottom sits sorrow, fear, anger and apathy. At the top you will find courage, acceptance, joy and peace. As you travel from the center out, you will travel in and out of these emotions. When we are closer to the center, emotions can feel more dense/intense, but as times passes, we will often find that healing has happened, growth has occurred and we are expanding. We are learning to move through the cycles.
All our grievers out there are struggling against a culture of fixers, death deniers and people uncomfortable with grief.
It’s much easier to believe in a linear grief journey, but this view helps no one.
If you are grieving, know that this is part of the human experience, that you will survive and that feeling and embracing is the path of healing.
If you know someone who is grieving, don’t fix… listen. Saying, “I’m so sorry” is the perfect step. Sometimes, it’s all you need.
"Companioning is about going to the wilderness of the soul with another human being; it is not about thinking you are responsible for finding the way out." - Dr. Alan Wolfelt
Source URL (further reading): https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK507885/