We all fall apart sometimes
Last I checked, 100% of the human population will die.
Death touches us all. We have or will lose the people and things we love. Death surrounds us in the news, in nature, and in all the little moments of change from day-to-day. It’s hard, it’s messy, and it’s almost never what we asked for, but there’s no denying that Death is part of the human experience.
Death’s ever faithful companion, Grief, is sure to meet with you too. Grief might gently walk up to you or you might be surprised by the sudden arrival of Grief’s roller coaster tendencies. Either way, I have never heard someone say, “I can handle this.” Usually it is along the lines of, “I’m falling apart!”
Me and Chili (the very beginning)
I fell apart once. My sweet Yorkie, 15 years my baby, died one morning after suddenly going into a status epilepticus seizure. After a harrowing time of trying to find a vet that was open so early in the morning, he was euthanized in my trembling arms while my father stood over me weeping. My weeping went from hours, to days, to weeks, to months.
I fell apart another time while walking in Brooklyn. As my feet hit the pavement, suddenly the movement reverberated up and struck a chord in my heart. Tears choked me as I looked around at the cement, concrete, bricks and blacktop smothering the earth and nature beneath it. In my heart I grieved for all the beautiful, deliciously rich earth just hidden under my feet. I grieved humanities abilities to “progress” and “subdue.”
I fell apart again when another pregnancy I had longed for and fought for ended in miscarriage. This time, I screamed and wailed from the pain of my shattered hopes. I fell apart again and again.
Sometimes it feels like we are falling apart more than we were ever “whole,” and I think that is more true especially in the past few years. Looking back at the times that Death and Grief visited me, I noticed that when I really fell apart, I also had my people around me. I had the love and acceptance of someone who would listen and let me fall apart. Through their presence I was assured that they would still be there to help me pick up the pieces.
I have seen and experienced the healing that can happen when we are allowed to fall apart in safe spaces.
As a death doula, I want to be that person that other people feel safe falling apart with. Death touches us all and it’s a scary and messy part of life. I get it, it’s is not easy to talk about, but let’s talk about it! And it’s ok if you fall apart… because you know, even tacos fall apart and we still love them.